You know what can make or break any company? The Job Satisfaction ratings that employees give. If people love working for you – so long as you aren’t selling asbestos clothing or Confederate Flag memorabilia – the future is probably bright for your business. If your employees hate your guts or think you are a tyrant around the office, well – nowadays, they have ways (THE INTERNET) of making this fact known. And people will not want to work for you.
And this has given me an idea on how to fight the scourge of ISIS: apparently, for all we hear about Deash alluring members from all over the world with promises of 72 Virgins and Comradeship and Free Kalishnikovs, once you are in – well, it’s not all jihad fun and games. If you screw up your job – you will pay the price. Just a slightly higher one than you might be used to. I.e. you get turned into a Pink Mist, versus get a Pink Slip.
To illustrate my point, let us consider the ongoing story of Salah Abdeslam, the failed Paris bomber last seen here in Brussels. And what a sad one it would be, if we all didn’t want him dead anyway.
Salah used to own a bar here in Brussels – which apparently was shut down for prostitution and drug use/distribution. You have to be seriously into the dark side of those things in order to be shut down in Europe for that, but I digress. Anyway – he sold his bar, joined his fellow drones in Paris, and we all know the rest of the story with that. Except when it came time to go down killing, so to speak – Salah changed his mind, and decided he wanted to go home. So he called two brothers here in Brussels, and they agreed to drive overnight to Paris and pick him up.
(And on that note – I’m highly amused that these two brothers claim they thought they were just picking up a friend in need. I mean – I have friends. And there is a *lot* I would do for them. But if one of you called me from Philadelphia at 2 AM and asked me to come pick you up because, quote, ‘your car broke down’ – I would probably help you with a Google Search for Greyhound or Amtrak timetables before turning off the light and going back to sleep. AND – this is the best part – the two brothers have both described that on the drive back, they “suspected he was wearing a suicide vest, and he kept fidgeting with it.” Well, that’s weird, but hey: let’s burn some miles! Who hasn’t had to keep an eye on a friend who might just detonate at any second? C’Est la Vie! Bullshit. I freak out when people try to eat in my car, let alone wear plastic explosives, so right then and there, since I like life, I would probably con you out of the car under the guise of a bathroom break, and then peel off as quick as the turbo would let me. Yes – we know it’s probably professed ignorance on the brothers part as they hope to duck this – but seriously? Try harder to convince. Don’t try and tell us that you dealt with this little scenario by simply trying to avoid potholes, or that you would have been equally unsettled by a friend who won’t stop farting in the car during a winter road trip.)
Anyway – back to Mr. Abdeslam and his extremely-warm-winter-jacket: It appears he decided to bail on his job role, and return home. And where did that get him? Well, the intel leaks apparently have him in a basement somewhere here in Brussels, whining to his friends over Skype not only about how he is the subject of a manhunt by extremely angry authorities, but also by ISIS leaders who are EXTREMELY angry with him for not blowing himself up, and who will kill him in a very painful way if they find him.
I mean – wow. Let’s step outside the fact that we all want to vaporize this guy anyway, take a pause, and I think we can all say “Dude – that’s harsh. Sucks to be you.” And as we think of how to handle ISIS – maybe this is of value to make more widely known? After all – this is NOT the kind of employment anecdote you as an employer would want going out on Glassdoor.com. Imagine it:
You: “Hey Boss – I know I didn’t get that spreadsheet done, but I will pick it up first thing Monday, I promise. It just got away from me!”
Boss: “Yeah – sure. No problem! By the way, can you come into my office for a minute?”
You:”Sure….why do you have a video camera and a machete in your hand?”
I mean – Fuck Him in General, and I kind of hope they get him, no doubt. But seriously, talk about “worst employer ever” win for all time: forget the fact you are a mass murderer when you go to work- if you screw up and *dont* kill yourself in the process, they don’t give you a bad review or no raise. Instead, you become part of a training video on the importance of seeing tasks through to completion, most likely by having your head cut off. Harsh. If ISIS is so media saavy – so slick at production values in videos – then it’s not just Tomahawks we need to fight them, it’s stories like these as well.
stuckinthemiddle 